If you only have a passing interest in one incredibly pointless award this year, why not make it Sports Personality of the Year?

I’m not a sports fan, but people who like sports, tend to like… sports.
I’ve got friends who are into football, and what they seem to like is seeing good passes, good tackles, well produced goals, and hard-fought victories.
Of all the tediously-dull sport-based conversations I’ve ever stood on the outskirts of, while yawning internally, I’ve never once heard them go “ah but that player x.. he’s got a great personality. He’s shit at football, but what a nice bloke.”

You know who the big personalities in the world of sport are. They’re the ones that get sponsorship deals and pop up in adverts, despite not always being very good at their main field. They’re the ones who get interviewed on the news.

Although, how much do people know about the personality of someone they only know in a professional capacity? I think there are still a load of injunctions surrounding this, but there is a well known footballer right.. who.. oh fuck it… right – Ryan Giggs won the award for Sports Personality of the Year in 2009. Yet this year, he was named as the Super Injunction Taker-Outer of the Year, in the House of Commons. That is, he was named as the footballer who took out a super injunction to stop details of the fact he was cheating on his wife, from becoming public knowledge.

So if we’re not awarding him based on his sporting achievements, but his personality, surely we’re actually awarding him based on his (alleged) sexual prowess? Ladies Man of the Year Award, anyone?

Since 2008, more awards have been added to the ceremony, including Team of the Year. Surely this is easy to work out, anyway? The team that has beaten the most other teams will already presumably be top of whichever league they’re in, and/or have various other awards to prove that they’re the best.

In what other way, other than performance, could they be measured? It isn’t like art. It’s not subjective. You know which sports people are the best at what they do, from the number of times they win at it. And there is a wealth of boring statistics available on all sports, covering everything of their performance.

Unless it IS like art. Maybe it IS subjective? Who’s your favourite boxer? That’ll do. Even some sports people don’t know exactly what you have to do, to win it, or what on earth they’re actually marking them on.

This isn’t just down to my dislike of sports. I’m a fan of comedy, but I’ve no interest whatsoever in watching Standup Comedian Personality of the Year. Imagine it – it’d be like “This Is Your Life”.

Maybe the readers of Nuts Magazine would like to vote for Glamour Model Personality of the Year? Or are they actually more interested in the other areas that Lucy Pinder excels in?

What film directors need more than anything, isn’t millions of people seeing their life’s work projected on the big screen, creating a lasting legacy in the history of cinema. No – what they need is to be told that their film was a pile of shit, but they seem like a nice bloke publicly, and they’re friends with the people who pay for the ceremony.

(And before anyone mentions Bafta, the Golden Globes, etc. I’d probably agree those are ultimately, also quite pointless. Especially given some of the shite that wins Bafta awards. Rev? Miranda? Are you fucking kidding me?)