Are the benefits departments this rubbish on purpose?

It’s something I’ve been pondering over the last few days.
Since December, I’ve been miserable, signed off unfit to work because of stress, depression, and now (according to government assessments at least), I’m suitable for work again. This means leaving incapacity benefits and switching temporarily to “Jobseeker’s Allowance”.

I’ve claimed Jobseeker’s Allowance twice in my life. This is the second, but there’s been an 8 year gap in between, and some things have changed it seems. Also, I’d never claimed housing benefit before, as last time I was unemployed for a long period, I was living with my parents.

At the end of March, I had an assessment that said I was ready to return to work.
It’s conducted on behalf of the Department of Work and Pensions, by an outside company called “ATOS”. It’s a funny name isn’t it? I can’t believe nobody noticed before they had their letterheads printed.
“Dave have you called ATOS? Just give ATOS a cal…wait..that sounds a bit odd”.

The results of the assessment uses wording that made me laugh, so I’ll quote you some here from my “About your limited capacity for work assessment” sheet.

“[Ben has] no problems meeting and mixing with new people or going to new places.”

I think it’s safe to say nobody at ATOS has seen me at a party or in a nightclub.

“[Ben’s] behaviour does not cause problems for [him] or other people”

and

“[Ben has] no problems getting on with other people, and they have no problems getting on with [him]”

I should photocopy this and send it to the two girls who complained about me joking about their religion, and behaving in an apparently “lecherous fashion” in my last job.
If anyone was wondering, I didn’t cop a feel – just had a look at her ample cleavage. What sort of world are we living in where a man can’t have a look at a semi-attractive girl’s cleavage without getting a written letter of complaint about it? That’s another blog post, for another day.

As I said, I’ve never claimed housing benefit before.
When I initially filled out the forms for it, which were posted to me, I reached a section which said “please tick the forms of identification you are submitting”. It didn’t state which ones I needed to send.
Then it told me I should bring the completed form into the benefit office. They didn’t tell me where it was.
I tried my local Jobcentre Plus, but they said it went to the council offices at College Green.
When I got there, the security guard told me that wasn’t right – and I should take it to Amelia Court.
Third time lucky, Amelia Court took my documents, and happily signed for them all.

A few weeks later, I was surprised therefore, to receive a letter stating I must bring forms of identification into Amelia Court, as they didn’t have them.
Despite my written receipt, signed by them, they still claimed I’d never given them to them.
In I went, took them in again, and all fine.

When my “Employment and Support Allowance” (aka incapacity benefits) ended in March, I thought this might affect my housing benefit, as it’s a “change of circumstances” sort-of.
I phoned them up and asked if I had to do anything, given I was switching from one benefit to another.
A guy on the phone (I should have written down his name) told me he didn’t know, and wasn’t sure if he should log that I phoned anywhere, in case it did make a difference to my claim.
I mean what the hell are you meant to do with that? You’re telling them, but they won’t log it in case they’re not supposed to.

On the 14th April, I was delighted to receive a letter stating:

“We have recently received information in respect of your claim, which has raised a doubt over your entitlement to Housing/Council Tax Benefit. As a result, I have suspended your claim, and subsequently no further payments will be made.”

Always nice to enjoy a letter like that over your Weetabix.
Clearly when a claim stops, they feel the need to notify all and sundry, but when you apply for another claim, nothing gets logged.
One change in my circumstances results in all benefits being suspended.

More forms, and proof of earnings (bank statements) taken in, and signed for. As of 30th April, I’m still waiting for any confirmation/money.

Back to jobseeking, this week I had my first signing on day. Sadly, I missed it, because I thought it was Thursday (2 weeks after my work interview), when in fact it was Tuesday (2 weeks, less 2 days, after my interview).
On Wednesday, I found my notes and realised I’d missed my appointment. Essentially I got my days muddled. It probably happens to other people sometimes.

A phone call to the jobcentre, tells me I have to come in “immediately”. She actually used the words “how soon can you get here?”
It was a life and death kind-of situation, where I should ignore all speed limit signs and go literally like the wind.
I hadn’t showered or brushed my teeth yet that morning, but this was clearly more important, so I grabbed my keys and ran off to the jobcentre.
When I got there, I was sat down and asked to wait. 10minutes later, I spoke to another person, who booked me an appointment for 3 hours later, to sign-on.
I’m still unsure why I had to go in at all, if they were just going to book me an appointment anyway?
I can only guess this was some kind of payback they hand out to wankers who miss their appointments. I’m a bastard of the highest order, clearly.

Fast forward to the actual meeting.
I’m miserable, seriously pissed off at myself for getting my days muddled, with the pain that this will undoubtedly cost me, lingering in my mind.

Turns out, as I was 27 hours late for my actual signing-on time, this means my benefits stop.
I have to fill out a form detailing why I didn’t turn up, and unless I have a very good reason, they post it to Plymouth who “make a decision”.
If found guilty, my sentence is to lose all Jobseekers Allowance from the time I was meant to come in, til the time I actually came in.
That’s right – if found guilty after all these procedures, I lose 27 hours money. That’s £8.57. I’ll also have another load of forms to fill in to start a “rapid reclaim”.

As a former taxpayer, I’m slightly annoyed that they bother to go through all these checks, admin, posting forms from Bristol to Plymouth and back, and don’t just dock the money to start with? I mean it’s £8.57 for fuck’s sake.

The other thing about the jobcentre is that you’re never told the same thing twice.
When I had my original work interview, I was told I needed to specify some types of jobs I’d be looking for, to enable them to track my progress.
The woman conducting the interview stated I needed three, as that was the number of boxes on her screen.
I could only think of two, so two went down.
However, I was assured by her that IF I didn’t fill out a third, in the first 13 weeks of my claim, all my benefits would stop.

By the time it came to my signing on day, I had come up with a third. Go team Ben!
So I asked the man who I had my emergency signing-on session with, if I could add it.
After a lot of blank looks and confusion, and him telling me I had already done more than three things to look for work, we weren’t getting anywhere.

Then by pure chance, he clicked a button and we were on the very two/three-box screen.
I was moderately excited.
“THERE!! Look! That space! There’s three boxes but only two things filled out! I need a third in there!”
“Oh that doesn’t matter”, he tells me in a very relaxed manner. “You can apply for anything you want”.
I’m not convinced, so protest “but I need a third? I don’t want to have to go through all this again “
He tells me if I’d like to amend my job plan, he can make me an appo
intment to see someone else, and I can come back to amend the third box, but that I really can apply for anything I like.

We’ll see.
If, god forbid, I’m still claiming by the thirteenth week, and my benefits stop because of this, I’m writing an official letter of complaint.
That letter of complaint will then probably be posted from Bristol to Plymouth, where they will photocopy it, and then send it back to Bristol again, before both original and copy, is shredded.

Pointless forms and bureaucracy

As someone who unfortunately needs to claim benefits at the moment, I have a great deal of respect for any benefit cheats out there.
Mine is a legitimate claim. I can’t get a job right now as we’re experiencing the worst recession in my working history, so I need to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance to survive.
But I have a strange new respect for somebody who doesn’t need to claim, but for whatever reason wants to.
Call them lazy if you like, but fudging a claim without the use of children is very difficult.

Here’s just one example.
Since I made the first call to the benefit office, and told them my living arrangements, I was told they didn’t need to know the details if I lived in a shared house. I’m not married to any of them, and if I don’t pay my rent – they won’t pay it for me.
We live in the same four walls precisely because I can’t afford the £1000+ rent for the entire house on my own.

Despite me telling them my situation a lot, and them taking all my details, at a recent interview at Jobcentre Plus (“plus” what? I still don’t know), I was told I must give details of people I live with, despite the fact I don’t live with them. We just live in the same property.
So what’s the form like then? A list of names and a tick box to say I don’t have offspring with any of them?
That’s what I’d have thought.
An “I don’t really know these people, but pass them on the stairs occasionally” tick box would have done.
A perfect solution to a silly problem, and something for some admin temps to mistype in at a later date.

Imagine my surprise therefore, when page 2 of this form asks for very specific details I am completely unable to answer.

“Date of birth [of person who lives with you]”
I dunno? No idea. I could probably guess, but they might take offence.
Maybe take off a couple for the damage their drug problem might have done, perhaps.
Really, it’s none of my (or Jobcentre Plus’) business when 4 near-strangers in my house were born.

“What is the relationship between you and this person”
So far, for person 1 (I have to fill this out for all 4 other people I live with), I’ve gone with “none – we both live in the same house”.
Not really answering the question though.

“What date did you start sharing?”
I don’t really remember. I’ve written “May/June or July 2008”
The others will be more sketchy.

“For what reason did you start to share accomodation with this person?”
I’ve put – “It’s a shared house. I can’t afford the rent on my own.”

“How long do you expect this to continue?”
I’ve gone with “Until either I or they move out”

“Why do you think this?”
Still toying with this one. Something like “because marrying and having children usually forces the option” or “the landlord (due to retire in the next 10 years) says he wants to sell the house when the markets improve”.
I mean why do I think we’ll continue living together til one of us moves out?
I can hardly put: “Because neither of us is likely to die in the near future”.

Maybe I need to think more logistically. The other option is we could both move out at exactly the same time.

What do these people want from me?!

#amazonfail

I was initially intending to blog about my birthday, which happened last week (I assume the cards are all still in the post), but thought I had to give my thoughts on this Amazon possibly/possibly-not censorship problem, which is being discussed at length on Twitter.

The main bulk of the argument seems to be that books about gays or lesbians, or written by gays or lesbians, are disappearing from the Amazon.com salesrank.
This means they’re very difficult (but not impossible) to find.
Certainly the average user would likely assume they no longer stocked the book, rather than wading through to find it.
It will undoubtedly harm book sales of authors.

I’m sure a lot of people will think “who cares?” (even if they choose not to voice those particular opinions.)
I mean I have no immediate plans to buy books by gays or lesbians. I’ve no immediate plans to buy any books at all, so why do I care?

I think what bothers me is that there is any form of censorship on there at all.

Amazon are currently claiming that there is some sort of “glitch” in the system, which is causing huge numbers of books by gay or lesbian authors, or about gay or lesbian characters, to be “accidentally” removed.
To be fair to Amazon, it could be the case. Although one author was told in February that his book was being removed due to “policy”, who is to say they haven’t changed policy again since this?
And there is bizarre happenings, such as paperback versions of books being removed, hardback books not (and vice versa).
Despite the ‘homophobic’ stick that people are beating Amazon with at the moment, it isn’t JUST gay/lesbian books – there are other books that are being removed, for being adult. Also, not ALL gay/lesbian books have disappeared.

Now, I don’t care about ‘categories’ of books being removed.
I care about ANY books being removed.
Think back pre-Amazon to an actual library. The first thing you would do with an English-German dictionary was look up the swear words.
Nudity was available in various forms, and there were various medical books if you really wanted the gory graphic details.
There’s very few good arguments to censor anything, unless it contains graphic sexual imagery and being sold to 8yr olds, or is illegal..etc, surely?
Gay/whatever – you can’t be removing books from the bestseller list because they contain adult themes, or some people don’t feel they’d enjoy reading them.

Fat %$&*! sings!

For a while now, I’ve been getting emails from a website called “The Fatman” or “The Fatman sings”.
They look quite professionally done, but they’re spam.
I don’t recall ever having signed up for them, Gmail blocks them as being spam, and the link to unsubscribe doesn’t really work.
Their emails actually say “please whitelist us”, presumably as a lot of places stop it as spam.

According to their privacy policy:

Does Fatman email me loads of adverts and junk mail?
No, but Fatman does send you some adverts because that’s how the Fatman pays for the website and it keeps the Fatman from starving and it means Fatman can get out there and get the gossip for you! So, please look at the ads because Fatman tries to accept good adverts and does his best only to send you one or two ads per week.

and also:

If you have any queries regarding privacy or if you would like to raise any issues regarding our privacy policy, please e-mail us at privacy@fatman sings.co.uk. Please allow up to 14 days for a response.

Now, while attempting to unsubscribe myself recently, and getting a failure message of some sort, I assumed it had failed yet again, and I’d just have to go and delete more from the spam folder of Gmail every now and then.

BUT, to my shock and surprise, I received this email, shortly after my attempt:

From: Amanda Malyan | Marketing Source
I am now out of the office until Tuesday, 14th April 2009. If your enquiry is of an urgent nature, please email fin@marketingsource.co.uk or call the office on 0844 871 4750. This email is not being monitored in my absence.

Regards

Amanda Malyan
Head of Client Services

Marketing Source seems to be a company who stockpile email addresses and rent them on.
What a lovely idea.
At least I now have a contact, if I still continue to receive this junk. Someone I can moan to. It’ll make me feel better anyway.

Cats and a crazy fear of prison

Bloody cats.
I wonder if anyone else finds cats as annoying as I clearly do.

They’re completely two-faced for one. They rub themselves up against your trousers without permission, then try and scratch at you when you attempt to stroke them.

I can get around this by simply never visiting anyone who owns a cat.
Sadly though, they (the cats, now the owners) leave their house and shit in my garden.
We’ve put down spikes in the dirt so they have nowhere to comfortably squat, and chicken wire around the fences to stop them climbing through, and still they get in somewhere.

All that pales into insignificance though, compared to the piss-taking wanker that seemingly wandered into my house this morning.
No doors were open – it literally scaled a wall and climbed through a window.
My girlfriend shooed it out, but it did make me wonder. At what point can you legally kill a cat that wanders into your house? Can I claim self-defence?

I’ve found that when visiting anyone with a dog, they inevitably ask “oh – are you alright with dogs?”
Never do they ask “do you hate cats, by any chance?”
They’ll offer to shut the poor dog in the kitchen, but will they nail the catflap shut while I’m there? No.
As it goes, I’m fine with dogs. They’re mostly friendly, loyal, fun.
When’s the last time you saw a cat on a TV show because it had saved it’s owner from otherwise-certain death? It’s never happened!
Go on! Throw a stick for a cat! I bet you any money it won’t bring it back.
When’s the last time a cat swam a long distance through shark-infested waters, and survived on a near-deserted island?

Dogs = better than cats. It’s pretty clear.

Cats are not deemed in law to be owned by anyone, as they’re not trainable in the same way as dogs. Many cat-lovers have badges proclaiming they are a slave to “Fluffy”, but they’re actually deadly serious.
Also, if you run over a pet, different rules apply for dogs and cats. If it’s a dog, you must report your kill. If it’s a cat, you don’t have to, as they’re semi-wild animals.
Given they’re not in any sense endangered, I wonder if I can legally kill this cat if it wanders into my kitchen again.
It would seem not, as proven recently by lawyers.

If I knew who it belonged to, I’d seriously think about collecting it’s feces and putting it back in the owner’s garden.
Other possible options to rid myself of this cat, include sleeping tablets and traps, and are very long winded.

A Crazy Fear of Prison

A while ago, an acquaintance of mine (I won’t describe him as a friend), asked to borrow a bag from me.
He just wanted a normal holdall type bag to put some clothes and a laptop in, to visit a friend.
He specifically didn’t want a laptop-style bag, as he didn’t want to advertise his electronics to muggers.

He borrowed a bag, and several days later I got it back.
Rather than putting it away though, I’ve left it out for months, wondering what to do with it.
You see, the acquaintance has been known to smoke weed on a fairly regular basis, and I’ve no idea if he transported any within my bag.
I can’t see any, but I don’t own a sniffer dog to make doubly sure.
A normal sane person would have dismissed it. What if he did? What’s it really matter?

Sadly, the irrational side of me started thinking about the occasional people who get stopped going through customs with “2 grams of marijuana” in foreign countries, and end up in jail for years on end.
At some point I might have some money and take a holiday. You never know. It could happen.
It’s bad enough, when asked if I’ve left my bag “unattended at any time”, that I let someone borrow it for 3 days in 2008, but there’s the possibility of milligrams of marijuana residue now.

I don’t want to take the risk, so yesterday I emptied this bag, and hung it out on the washing line in the rain.
How long does it take to wash off marijuana? Anyone know?
I’ll give it a week.

Hotpoint – the best a proofreader can get?

I’m fairly determined to make my first post semi-happy.
However, when I sat down and started writing, what came out was my fears for the global economy.
Given that, I think I’ll save that one for another day, and write the next thing on my list.

I’ve become a total pedant.
Maybe I’ve always been one, actually.
This week, I’ve been continuously annoyed by the broken washing machine in my kitchen.
I can’t really afford to replace it, but I can’t find anything on Freecycle, and second hand ones are selling for almost as much as the likely cost of repair.
As I’m nearly out of clean clothes, I’ll be doing something about it tomorrow.

While looking for a repair company, I noticed Hotpoint themselves offer an after-sales out-of-warranty repair service.
Upon reading through their website, I spotted an embarrassing typo, right there in the “About Us” section.
As I tutted to myself, I recounted this on both Twitter and to my sister via MSN messenger.

This is where the pedant in me comes out.
Instead of ignoring it as most people would, I composed the following message and sent it to them via the “Contact Us” section:

As my washing machine is broken, I have been looking at your Hotpoint servicing details.
I couldn’t help but notice, while reading: http://www.hotpointservice.co.uk/hs/pages/content.do?keys=ABOUT_US:PAGE&keys=ABOUT_US:HISTORY
…that you say two interesting things.

“We are open when you need us and our operators are on hand to answer your call every day including weekends and bank holidays on 08448 224 224.”
BUT you also state: “Call us at your convenience – 364 days a year”

As there’s 365 days in most years, I was just wondering which day you get off? I’m guessing either Christmas Day, or Easter Sunday?
It must be nice on leap years, because you get a second day off then.

Thanks for your time.

Ben Park

While I was doing this, I remembered I’ve been meaning to email Gillette about some of their products, so I figured that while I was in the mood, I’d have a go at that too.

Hello,
I have been using your Gillette shaving products from the time I first started shaving, until now.
I started with a Sensor Excel razor, and progressed to my current Mach3.
I started with your foam, then switched to gel, and most recently to your new Fusion HydraGel (with Aloe and Glycerin).
I am aware I am using the Fusion gel WITHOUT the Fusion razor. My apologies for this hideous faux pas.

Upon exiting the shower recently, my current girlfriend described me as having “just the nicest smell ever”, and I thought you might be interested to know, as it’s mostly all involving products that [Proctor and Gamble] make.
I assumed it was the HydraGel (I had recently started using), but I have got her to sniff that on it’s own, and it seemingly isn’t that alone that she loves.

### I stated the secret, magic formula, here, removed for web viewers ###

This combination, specifically culminating at it’s most aromatic around my ears, seems to please her greatly.
It’s always possible it’s affected by me somehow, or that she’s simply mad, but I thought I’d let you know in case this turns out to be a winning formula for a new product.

Thanks for your time, and if you wanted to send me some money-off vouchers, a free razor (well wrapped), or whatever, they’d be greatly appreciated.

-Ben Park-

P.S. Despite the adverts claiming “the Lynx effect”, every woman I’ve ever spoken to about their products say that Lynx smells like a “teenage boy’s bedroom”. I’ll be sticking with my Gillette products, and keep up the good work.

P.P.S. My only slight problem with your Gillette products is the sheer number of different ones available. I have no idea if Glycerin is better than Vitamin D, or whatever.

The saddest thing is that I’m actually excited to see if I get a reply to either.

Edit: 7th April.
Hotpoint replied:

Dear Ben Park

Thank you for your email,

We are closed Christmas day only.

Yours sincerely,

Ann Taylor
Customer Care Team
Indesit UK

And Gillette also replied:

Hello and thanks for your email.

We’re grateful for your interest in our products and have passed your helpful comments to the department concerned.

Kind regards,

Suzanna

Consumer Relations

Sausages, MM can you see my lovely sausages?

As the popular song goes..

I’ve never been able to cook sausages (as mentioned before on this blog), so a friend of a friend of a friend..etc.. has offered me some advice on how to cook them.
Not sure where to write it, so thought I’d stick it on here for future reference, for when I decide to try them out.

Method 1 – Frying on a low heat
Requires heavy frying pan with a lid

Add tablespoon of oil
Enter: Sausages
(The oil should sizzle a bit, but not a lot)
Add lid to saucepan and leave.
Should end up with a thick stripe of dark brown seared skin down the sausage.
Turn them over when you have this, and repeat.

Should be ready in around 20mins.

Method 2 – Frying on a higher heat
Requires heavy frying pan with a lid

Add half a cup of stock or some wine
Enter: Sausages
Turn heat up slightly and add lid.
Keep turning sausages to ensure evenly cooked.

Method 3 – Cooking in the oven
Doesn’t require heavy frying pan or lid

Heat oven to 280 degrees (if electric)
Add them for around 30mins, but check regularly.
Don’t need to turn.

Mr Kipling’s Country Slices

This isn’t really a meal as such, but it is food-related, and a general wondering of mine.
How come that ‘Mr Kipling’s Country Slices, baked with currants and sultanas’ are suitable for vegetarians, BUT ‘Mr Kipling’s Manor House’ cake, (which is exactly the same as the slices but in one large cake, as far as I can see) isn’t.

Actually, WHY isn’t really the right question. I know WHY.
‘Manor House’ has animal fat in it, but ‘Country Slices’ don’t. Very odd.

Talking to my sister (along with my girlfriend, also a vegetarian), I’ve discovered things like this before. Fizzy cola bottle sweets have gelatin in. BUT fizzy cola-flavoured laces (the same product, different shape) don’t.

Sometimes I wonder what the manufacturers are thinking when they make these things. I might write to Mr Kipling about the cakes and ask him.

Ganges Restaurant, Gloucester Road

Neither me nor my girlfriend could be bothered to cook this evening.
We decided on a takeaway, but as neither of us fancied chips or a Chinese, we settled on an Indian.
This would be fine, but for the fact that I’ve no idea where the nearest Indian to me is. I tried online but although I could find plenty of restaurants, I was struggling to find any with a website and, (more importantly) a menu.

As it wasn’t raining, my big idea was that we’d just wander up Gloucester Road and see what we could find. There’s loads of restaurants, and one of them must be an Indian. Probably also do takeaways, and it would be handy for next time.

We looked at one place that seemed fairly horrible, another place which wasn’t grabbing either of us with the menu outside, and then as we were wandering along, I spotted a tiny doorway sandwiched between two other buildings. Normal height, but not very wide. Just to the right of this was the menu (and there wasn’t enough room – we had to move when somebody wanted to come out), and we decided we’d go inside and see if they did takeaways.

Despite the 10% discount for takeaway customers, once inside, to my surprise my girlfriend said she quite fancied eating in, as she couldn’t really be bothered to wait for it, take it home and get our own plates and cutlery dirty eating it. I’m normally the lazier of the two of us by a long shot.
It did make sense despite only being five minutes from home, so I went for it.

As there was only two of us, we jumped the queue somewhat. The only people in front of us were a group of about eight waiting for a large table, and they squeezed us in between a store room and the stairs. Again, not really enough room so I was in the way most of the night.

We ordered drinks.
My girlfriend says she wants a beer, and they assume that she’s ordering for me, so then ask her what SHE wants.
I distract them and ask for the orange juice that I want.
When the drinks arrive, she gets the orange juice, I get the beer.

Nice looking beer, but the orange juice was the smallest I’ve ever seen. And that includes drinks I’ve bought on flights.

Poppadoms next, and I generally stick to dunking it in the mango chutney, as it always seems to the nicest sauce type stuff available.

Curries and rice next, and despite me ordering a korma because I don’t handle spicy food that well, I’m literally sweating before I’ve finished. I’ve been deliberately not trying to drink any orange juice, but before I’m half way through, I’ve finished it all.
My girlfriend had been to the bathroom and got some tissues, so I used some to wipe my brow, determined as I was not to buy a second drink as it was a surprisingly expensive tiny orange juice, considering hers was an averagely priced pint of lager.
I visit the bathroom myself and wipe my face with the cold water from the sink, as it’s not drinking water available.

Why I didn’t ask for some tap water at the table I’ve no idea. I’ve literally only thought of it now.

The 10% you save on the takeaway food is described as “service” when you eat in. Perfect – everyone is clear what costs what, and you’re not expected to pay an extra “tip”.
This pleases me because I hate tipping. You might not agree with me, and I’ve had the same argument with someone else.

They said it was to reward someone who is good at their badly paid job and serves you well.
I say that they wouldn’t get away with paying them so badly if they weren’t getting wages topped up with tips.
As for someone being good at their job – if they aren’t, they should be trained or fired. If you work in an office and you’re rude to the customers and unhelpful, you wouldn’t get away with it. Why then, would be acceptable elsewhere?

Anyway – the food was nice, the drinks nice (if on the small side for the price), and the service very pleasant.
I will definitely consider eating there again.

Sausages!

The bane of my life!
While shopping in Tescos a few days ago, my girlfriend suggested she might cook me something. I can’t remember what it was going to be now, but I asked “do you mind if I get some actual meat to go with it?”

For anyone not up to speed on my current relationship, I’m currently dating a vegetarian, and what with my hatred of most vegetables and her not eating meat, eating together is somewhat complicated.

Luckily, as she’s got a busy life with friends and hobbies, and I’m a miserable old git who is currently unemployed, I get up at noon and go to bed at 2am, and we don’t often end up eating together.

Back to my story, and I picked up some sausages. I’ve never been any good at sausages. They seem to go black and don’t cook properly in the middle.
However, my girlfriend is a pretty good cook, so I figured she could show me how to cook them.

I bought them and got home, mentioned this to her, and she told me that not only does she not eat meat, she doesn’t know how to cook it either!

Not to let this get me down, I decided I’d have a go anyway.
So I put some of the sausages on a baking tray and put them under the grill. In a little under 5minutes, my kitchen was completely full of smoke. I removed the sausages to discover there’s either a fault with my oven/grill, or some food stuck in there that’s burning when it gets hot.

Frustrated at the apparent lack of cooking equipment in my kitchen, I switched the grill off and found a frying pan to cook my sausages.
High heat? Low heat?
I’ve no idea so I put some olive oil into a frying pan (I guess I would have used vegetable oil in a frying pan ordinarily, but I couldn’t find any) and put it on a low heat.

Someone in my house has got one of those Tefal pans with the red spot thing in the middle. Its red with detail on it to start with, so I think that means I heat it til the detail disappears. I got bored of heating it on a low setting, so switched my gas hob to the highest setting, but still the detail didn’t disappear. Maybe it’s broken?
Bored of waiting, I chucked in the sausages which immediately started to go brown very quickly on the outside.

This is the bit that confuses me. I’ve attempted sausages before and they’ve been cooked externally, but with a chilly food-poisoning-inducing centre. Last time I mentioned this to someone, they told me I was cooking them too fast, and I should try a low heat setting for much longer. I turned them down, and to be honest the outside still seems to be browning very quickly.

As the brown outside started to go black on one, I grabbed a sharp knife and cut it open to find it not cooked inside.
I moved them around a bit, then cut them all into tiny chunks. It seems easier to cook smaller chunks of meat than big bits, from my little prior knowledge.

I asked my girlfriend to let me know if there was any smoke, and went off to find my ‘Delia’s Complete Cookery Course’ book I bought ages ago.
Under sausages it has various complicated meals, and the simplest one just tells you to ‘brown the sausages’ before adding them to the recipe.
I looked under the beginning of the meat section but am still slightly confused as to exactly what ‘browning’ them entails, and indeed whether that results in them cooked, or just makes them brown ready for the next process in preparing them for eating.

None the wiser, I returned to the kitchen. As I’d spent a long time screwing around with my sausages and smoking out the kitchen, my girlfriend had actually finished cooking hers some time ago and mostly eaten her dinner without me. I did some baked beans to go with my now-blackening sausages and put some toast on to go with them.

As a final thought I borrowed (I haven’t repayed her yet) two pieces of fresh bread from my girlfriend and thought I’d fry it in the leftover oil. This may be something that doesn’t work so well with olive oil, because it came out black. It was edible, kinda.